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It is interesting to think that this time last night I was pondering joy. The same rain brought such deep sadness today. I wanted to be enveloped by my bed, under the covers where no one can reach me, find me, pull at me, tell me all fucking about it. I have learned over the years to be the perfect mother to myself and my bed is a tribute to my maternal self quest. The covers are just heavy enough that I feel them hugging my body while I drift off. I have over 10 pillows, each with a different story of comfort to support a part of my body that needs whatever hug for whatever reason. My room is filled with pretty things to look at, photos that represent memories of happy, joy-filled times. This is where my well is, where I know I can go deep.
Sometimes i connect so deeply with a sense of sadness that I feel like I am looking into a well that WON'T END if I catch a glimpse. I don't want to look. I don't want to know how deep the deepness goes. I could VERY EASILY go there. DOWN SO LOW, and I fear if I let myself, I won't be able to find my way back. Today I went, caught a taste, bounced back up....and recoiled. I keep feeling the heaviness, then the joy, like the head on a bobble head toy, bouncing with each attempt to reach for joy.
i have such a longing respect for people who spend their days in the well. They have such a sweet stillness about them. No matter how chaotic the winds of their lives may push and pull, they still stay still. They ARE still. Stillness is them.
The rain is not still. It is all about motion and clearing and hydrating. However it brings such stillness. What is that? Why such a complexity of such an antithesis scenario? And tomorrow it will be gone. Like my well.
My name is Dr. Jodi Dinnerman and I have been a practitioner of Living lnJOY for as long as I can remember. I do believe it is a practice, as there are many distractions, illusions, misunderstandings and misguided interpretations that can easily keep us from being in a state of JOY.